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#62079 - 11/10/09 07:32 AM Re: Soccer as a Vehicle for Learning Life Lessons [Re: Kaka]
Fred Offline
member

Registered: 11/10/09
Posts: 110
The piece is about “Ignition”. The reader has to wait until the 3rd paragraph to figure out what it is, so the first two paragraphs don’t mean anything to the reader. By the time the reader gets to the 3rd paragraph he or she is lost, and unless he or she is reading carefully, he or she might miss the point of the whole thing….

It sounds like a manual because you write many sentences “backward” in a passive voice. For example,

“The main influence on making the experience enjoyable is the coach or teacher” should say “The coach or teacher is the main influence on making the experience enjoyable.” The “main influence” isn’t the action part of the sentence, the “coach” is.

“The book reinforces most of what Andy Barney has written in “Training Soccer Legends” should say “Coyle reinforces most of what Andy has written in “Training Soccer Legends.” Give the sentence some action—Coyle (a person) is saying this, not a book (an inanimate object). That’s much more interesting to read…

If you're going to write so much, take some steps to become a better writer. Take a writing class, perhaps at JCCC and ask an editor to work with you to critique and edit your actual work. You need Ignition.

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#62090 - 11/10/09 09:49 AM Re: Soccer as a Vehicle for Learning Life Lessons [Re: Fred]
AndyBarney Offline
Pooh-Bah

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 1690
Fred, Kaka, dad of 3 girls et al

I sincerely and honestly appreciate your feedback. While I'm a decent writer I don't claim to be an expert.

This feedback is invaluable in helping me refine my presentation so that it has maximum impact.

I can't thank you enough and would really appreciate your ongoing critiques.

Here's a little paragraph that jumped into my brain this morning. Feel free to throw some editorial darts at it.

Thanks,

smile Andy

Whether in life or soccer the unscripted offense is the key to success. Brazil (5 times), Argentina (twice), France (once) proved that the most skilful and improvisational soccer teams are the ones who, while the exception, create the rule. Most teams are scripted and predictable. At a low, medium or reasonably high level of play this regimented approach may work. At the highest level talent, creativity and originality are the “margin of greatness”. In the company of the world’s best at the very highest altitudes of challenge and pressure, the anal retentive way of playing the game of soccer and life doesn’t reap the greatest rewards or the most satisfaction and fulfillment.

History is bejeweled with the successes of unscripted leaders. Einstein, Mozart, Michaelangelo, Edison, Churchill, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Gates, Buffett. They thought and acted originally. They went where others had never traveled and blazed a trail that illuminated, (in Edison’s case literally), the world!

Training children to be an unscripted leader is perhaps the most difficult and elusive skill of teaching.

The Legends training method trains unscripted leaders for life through soccer!

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#62091 - 11/10/09 10:14 AM Re: Soccer as a Vehicle for Learning Life Lessons [Re: AndyBarney]
freekick Offline
addict

Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 418
Could be improved by making it a little shorter ... try deleting the last line.

Since you won't consider that, here's another suggestion. In the line before, "Training children to be ... leaders" (plural) or "Training a child to be ... a leader" (singular). Take your pick.

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#62092 - 11/10/09 10:22 AM Re: Soccer as a Vehicle for Learning Life Lessons [Re: freekick]
AndyBarney Offline
Pooh-Bah

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 1690
freekick

Quote:
Could be improved by making it a little shorter ... try deleting the last line.


LOL smile

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#62093 - 11/10/09 10:26 AM Re: Soccer as a Vehicle for Learning Life Lessons [Re: freekick]
paul12 Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 02/10/09
Posts: 2810
Loc: Northern Virginia
Make it true.

"Whether in life or soccer the unscripted offense is the key to success."

Besides being an awkward sentence (am chuckling at your self-evaluation as "decent"), I don't believe it is a true statement. I don't see how anyone can say an unscripted offense is the key to success in life. It just sounds dumb.

I'm sure you can think of strained examples of how an "unscripted offense" equates to an individual being able to adapt quickly to new, unexpected opportunities. But as THE key to life?

Grammar, awkwardness and wordiness aside, you often seem to lead with these blanket statements that simply aren't the truisms you want to believe they are.

My advice remains to hire a ghost writer.

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#62094 - 11/10/09 10:40 AM Re: Soccer as a Vehicle for Learning Life Lessons [Re: AndyBarney]
Fred_Norris Offline
member

Registered: 06/16/07
Posts: 137
Don't sell yourself so short Andy, I think your writing style is just fine and fits you to a tee. I especially enjoy it when you refer to yourself in the 3rd party as though someone other than yourself is describing to us the genius that you are. Nothing narcissistic about that.

I would especially like for you to delve more deeply into the "anal retentive way of playing the game of soccer and life."

It would be most interesting if you could bejewel us with the highest altitudes of knowledge about your anti-anal retentive way of teaching creativity and originality the step-by-step structured Legends way.

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#62097 - 11/10/09 10:48 AM Re: Soccer as a Vehicle for Learning Life Lessons [Re: Fred_Norris]
freekick Offline
addict

Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 418
Fred - You enlightened me about what Andy is saying. You've simplified it greatly. All other ways are anal retentive and not reaching highest altitudes.

Now I see that the Legends way is really just about being light-headed and pulling something out of your ***! smile

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#62099 - 11/10/09 11:01 AM Re: Soccer as a Vehicle for Learning Life Lessons [Re: freekick]
paul12 Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 02/10/09
Posts: 2810
Loc: Northern Virginia
I missed the anal retentive part. Now in that phrase, anal is an adverb, right? As such, it means of the ass. Andy is saying to play beyond these tendencies. In other words, Andy is talking out of the ass.

---

Dang it, free - I'm too slow.


Edited by paul12 (11/10/09 11:05 AM)

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#62104 - 11/10/09 11:53 AM Re: Soccer as a Vehicle for Learning Life Lessons [Re: paul12]
NeedTuition Offline
addict

Registered: 01/29/07
Posts: 405
Sorry Gandy,

Its not feed back people are giving you. They're egging you on, to see just how much of a laughing stock you'll make of yourself. So far, the sky's the limit.

Thoughts?

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#62115 - 11/10/09 01:13 PM Re: Soccer as a Vehicle for Learning Life Lessons [Re: NeedTuition]
Fred_Norris Offline
member

Registered: 06/16/07
Posts: 137
In keeping with the direction Andy has taken us today, rather than refer to it as egging him on, I prefer to think of it as making him the "butt" of our jokes.

Anyway, Andy can't respond right now. He is too busy scouring the internet for more material that has been researched and written by others that he can innovatively call his own when incorporating it into his latest book about developing creative and original leaders.

smile Fred

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